“I don’t think you’ve ever been in love, Jamie. True love feels good, REALLY good.”
What? I sat across from my therapist shocked. “What do you mean I’ve never been in love?” I was 26 years old. I’d been in four relationships and had several serious flings by now. WTF was love then?
Could she be right? Had I never experienced true love?
I was in the process of leaving behind my fourth relationship (maybe I did have a few things to learn). If this relationship wasn’t love, it was certainly the closest thing I’d known. It made me feel…so much. A lot of “love” and a lot of heartache.
I now see that I equated love with feeling…intensely. I mean, we’re all after feelings, right? A lot of time we’re so desperate to feel that we don’t care whether we’re feeling joy or pain- we’ll take anything that reminds us we’re really alive.
He made me feel intensely, and I thought that was love. I got addicted to the emotional roller coaster that swung from incredible high to incredible low. It made me crazy. Such sadness when we fought. Such pain when we didn’t communicate. Such rejection when he didn’t want me enough. Such joy at the moments he did.
That was my idea of love.
Now all I see is a cycle of excruciating heartache. Instability that left me anxious and insecure and clinging to whatever I could get.
Now I see that true love isn’t sooo intensely erratic. True love, the kind that feels really good, is so real that it doesn’t need the highs and lows to make it feel real. It’s already convinced of itself. It doesn’t need to dip back and forth and create all that drama to be interesting- it’s interesting in itself. It’s magnetic, magical and special without the drama (and it starts with us being interested in and convinced of ourselves).
True love is not anxious, insecure, or clinging. True love is not letting someone have control over your emotions. True love is not giving away your power.
True love is kind, gentle, supportive, and secure. True love is more of an even flow of high. True love can simply be, and that being is more than enough. May we all envision this love so we can create it in our lives. May we love ourselves enough to believe we are worth it… I’m still working on it.