We Love What Kills Us

I remember hearing the phrase once:

“We love what kills us.”

Years later, I still think of it. I knew the statement held true, but I wasn’t sure why, my mind left twisted in confusion. Why the hell would we love what kills us?

Even though I couldn’t wrap my head around the phrase, it touched me at my core. The men I loved most were also the men that ripped my heart into pieces and left me crying on the floor. These men- the ones you think I’d hate are actually the ones I will never forget, the ones I will always be tremendously grateful to for entering my life.

Now, I get it. Now, I see the point. Now, I can let go of any anger or wounding.  Now, I see that the relationship was perfect. It couldn’t have ended any other way. I had to crash to my knees.

These men, the ones who killed me, were also the ones who ignited my flame. They agreed to come into this life to break my heart and bring me pain I didn’t know I could handle. Because it was only in those darkest moments that I found out who I really was and what I was truly made of.

I had convinced myself that these relationships had gone terribly wrong. I had placed blame on those who hurt my heart. When really, they were playing the perfect role. They were offering me the greatest gift I could ever receive. They allowed me to rise from the ashes.

And while I could never understand why I loved what killed me, now I get it.  It was what that pain symbolized. It triggered a period of tremendous growth- growth I could have never managed without them.

We’re incredible creatures- so incredible that we sign up for heart-wrenching pain because we know that pain is the doorway to the light.

And when we realize this, we realize how perfect each character in our life is- even our “greatest monster” has played the perfect role- the role tailored perfectly for our growth.

We’re all in this together. We all love each other that much that we’re even willing to be the bad guy if it means growth for the person we love.

We kill what we love. And we love what kills us.

If someone has the potential to kill you- don’t run. They’re the soulmate you’ve been looking for. The one who came to pull and stretch you beyond your limits. Maybe for a lifetime or maybe until one of you crumbles to the floor to rise again anew. Either way- it’s all out of love. It’s all happening for you.


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