It’s been a while. “I should really write something on the blog.” The thought swirls through my head, but that’s where it stops.
Why don’t I feel like writing? Writing isn’t as much fun when you’d rather ignore what’s going on in your life. Writing it down makes it real and what if I don’t want to swallow that pill?
I want to write in a way that makes people feel good- hell, I want to make myself feel good.
How can I turn this around? How can I turn around the fact that I didn’t get the fairytale ending–again? How do I accept that the man I love doesn’t want my love –especially when I’ve tried so hard?
How do we accept what we don’t want to accept?
Well, it hasn’t been a easy road. I’ve kicked and screamed and pouted and clung on and avoided and been really angry and really sad. But none of that worked- nor did it make me feel good.
So, I’m really not gonna get my way here, huh? I really have to accept this? I really have to let go of my hopes and dreams?
How do I go on without taking it personally or being angry or adding to the wounds I’m so desperate to heal? How do I go on without being a cranky, male-hating bitch?
Ugh. I look at the truth. I look at the truth without coating it with my emotions or rose-colored glasses.
He’s not on the same page. He doesn’t want what you want.
I begin to dig beyond the pain to see that this has nothing to do with me. I am not broken or less than or not enough. I am still me. And he is still him. And none of this makes either of us good or bad. We just are. And we are just different.
I listened to a lecture tonight that came at just the right time, and the presenter spoke of true love and spiritual maturity:
We help ourselves and others most by accepting all with love. We surrender. We let go of our agendas. We get over ourselves and see the truth- that we are all navigating our own custom curriculums for growth. We all have our own tailored lessons to learn.
Who am I to tell someone they’re here to love me? Maybe that’s not part of their plan.
(Don’t get me wrong, it would sure feel nice)
But the way to love is not through clinging or needing or demanding. And that’s my lesson- a big one. I have to look deep within and ask myself why I keep drawing in partners who aren’t there for me. If I apply what I believe, I see it’s because I’m not really there for myself.
Being there for myself. That is the answer. Focusing on myself and how I show up in the world. Being the person I want to attract, and allowing others to flow freely. Nothing is personal. No one else is my responsibility.
Acceptance. Acceptance of that which we reaalllly don’t want to accept. We make it soooo hard. “But I need this person to love me! I need this person to want me as much as I want them!” (OK that’s my personal drama. Not that I don’t have sympathy for myself as I navigate this rocky human existence).
It’s been so helpful for me to realize that I’m literally acting out my own wounds and choosing characters to help me with the battle. Time to drop the weapons and show myself a little TLC.
And while I don’t have all the answers, I know what helps me.
Remembering I am never alone. Remembering I am safe and loved. That everyone is navigating terrain that has absolutely nothing to do with me. And I am on my own spiritual path- a path that is meaningful. A path that promises me growth through the pain (pain must come up in order to heal- ugh, yes it’s true). But we can support ourselves through it. We can see the deeper growth that’s occurring and know it’s all leading us somewhere greater- to a time where we’ve worked out most of our shit and we stop being so tripped up and we can just BE and ALLOW a loving presence for ourselves and others.
I walk outside and feel the breeze blowing on my skin- I am not alone.
I close my eyes and go within- I am loved.
I breathe in- I am nurtured.
I breathe out the fear- I bless and honor his path.
No agenda. No fixing.
Just being. And allowing.
I offer my heart to him and every step he needs to take.
I offer my heart to myself- a heavy dose of love oozing from all directions.
I release you from my heart so you can set forth on your journey. The anger has turned to softness, and I see you never meant any harm. Nor did I. Just two people tangled up in our own attachments.