It was 2014, and I couldn’t believe it. Life was showing up for me, finally! Years before, I sat in the bookstore aisle flipping impatiently. On Becoming A Therapist. I let my imagination have a field day. This was the life I wanted! I wanted a big, comfy chair to sit in as I listened to the stories of the world through the mouths of others. A therapist- yes, a therapist! The dream lit my heart on fire and finally the moment arrived. My first client now sat before me. I watched my dream play out as a living reality. It felt amazing. I rushed home, eager to tell my boyfriend about my day.
“I saw my first client today! It went good! It wasn’t as impossible as I’d imagined. I think she likes me!”
“That’s great.” Those were his words, but his tone said otherwise. No emotion. No excitement.
“Really? That’s all you have to say? This was a huge day for me. Why can’t you just be happy for me?” I couldn’t understand. We were a team. My accomplishments were his and his mine.
It took some time for him to find the words. “Jamie, your life is coming together, and that’s great, but it’s hard. You’re so busy now, and I still don’t know what I want to do with my life.”
At the time, I couldn’t get out of my own way to really hear what he was saying. “Selfish,” I thought to myself. “It’s always about him.”
Disconnect. One reason for our eventual downfall. I didn’t feel heard or appreciated on my expanding journey. Neither did he.
It was 2016. Time washed away the love that once was and love with a new man began. But this time, it was his career, not mine, that was taking off.
“Jamie. I got the job. I have 11 flights booked this month alone. It’s crazy!”
I could see the excitement in his eyes. His dreams were showing up for him. But rather than feeling excited for the person I loved, all I felt was fear. All I saw was him slipping away.
“That’s great.” But there was no emotion. No excitement.
What I really thought was, “What about me? Where do I fit into this? What’s going to happen to us?”
I could see his life taking off without me and, suddenly, I saw him again. I heard our old conversation. I finally understood. He wasn’t around to hear my words, but I felt them. “I’m sorry.”
The universe is funny isn’t it? Always wanting us to know what we’ve created for others. Always wanting to make sure we understand how we’ve made others feel.
It was an important moment for me. A humbling one. A reminder that even when I feel so right, I can be so off. I have so much to learn about caring for others’ hearts.
And so this time, from the other side, I watched my partner depart on his journey. Would he be back for me? Who knows. Maybe he would. Maybe he wouldn’t, the cycle trickling on.
I couldn’t help but picture the “Hello” to a new girl who’d soon have bigger plans.